Trying to Keep Up
I totally understand why those with Autoimmune Diseases and Chronic Illnesses have multiple writers on their websites/blogs/etc. It’s hard to maintain when you have to shut down all unnecessary parts of your life to swing into survival mode!
This Wisconsin Spring/Summer has been pretty brutal on my body. Between suffering through being a human barometer and a massive project coming to a head at work, keeping my toddler alive and keeping myself alive have taken precedence over a lot. I’m thankful for a job that allows me to work from home a few days a week, so I don’t have to waste spoons on things like combing my hair each day. Yup….combing my hair. It’s been that brutal lately.
Feeling this crappy for such an extended period of time and feeling so stretched thin with my spoons has really made me consider how lucky I am though. I’m still able to work, and so many aren’t. I have the support of an amazing spouse who will drop everything on a dime to pick up the pieces of our life that I can’t, and not everyone has a support system like that. I have an incredible little girl who I’d give every ounce of energy I must without question, while so many have spent their lives trying for that feeling.
I got to celebrate another birthday last week. A birthday nobody expected me to make it to. I got to spend it with the husband I never thought I’d have and the child I wasn’t supposed to be able to conceive. I spent it with friends who love and support me and don’t disengage when I don’t have the strength to be the “me” I want the world to see. I hit a personal best on my squats on the day of my birthday….because I’m the strongest I’ve ever been at an age I was never supposed to see. I am so damn lucky.
Is my life easy? Not at all. Is anybody’s? Nope. I know my life has struggles that many will never understand. But I also know that I’ve been granted opportunities that others only dream of. And for that, I remain thankful. Knowing what I’ve been given makes me work even harder to use those gifts to their fullest, because I know that through all the suffering, my life is pretty fantastic.
Currently, I can't even sugar-coat it. I feel like a giant heap of hot garbage. But I’m not in the hospital. I’m able to work. I get to hold my little girl and curl up with my amazing husband and sometimes even take a shower…so I need to always remind myself of those little things that make my whole world spin when I feel like I’m sinking.